Ramblings

I just want a baby...is that too much to ask for?? Today marks 9 months from when we started to try, we were supposed to be getting ready to have a baby at this point, but in reality we aren't even pregnant, STILL. It truely is getting to be very frustrating...Trying to decide when to go in for tests, if we should even go in, maybe just one more month and it will happen, are we jumping the gun too soon, should we wait a few more months before doing anything, is this even really going to happen for us, are we wasting our time..SO many unanswered questions. And in the mean time, it feels so so so lonely. I know no one who is going through this so I feel as if I have no one to talk to, I honestly don't even know if Jason truely understands what it is like each month to know that once again I am not pregnant. Our families don't "get it" either, people don't understand that it isn't just as easy as "just get pregnant already" ha! I wish it was, TRUST ME! It's not like we haven't been trying! I keep questioning, why does it have to be us? Why can't just ONE thing come easy for us?? Don't get me wrong, I know it is all part of His plan but it is so frustrating at times....

In other news, it is now hunting season, so I am husbandless each and every weekend! YAY...not. I love that Jason loves to hunt, I love that he even lets me tag alongside him sometimes, I love how proud I am of him when he kills something, but with my new work schedule it is kind of annoying. I work Sunday-Thursday, so my weekends are Friday and Saturday. I also work until 7 pm each night, so when I get home it is already dinner time and then soon after, bedtime. Jason hunts on his family's land which is about 3 hours away, so when he goes hunting he goes for the weekend, leaves Friday after he gets off work and comes home Sunday evening. Which means that I am home all weekend by myself. It can get kind of lonely..I would normally just go down with him but being that I work Sunday's now, that isn't an option anymore. Plus each time I go down it is always "how come you aren't pregnant yet?!" and that really isn't fun to deal with.

But this weekend is Craft Fair weekend here in NWA so that will give me something to do and hopefully I can get started on some Christmas shopping, although I would love the idea of not buying presents for anyone but instead adopt angels from the Angel Tree, and saving the rest of what would normally be spent on Christmas presents to pay for testing, we will see!

Sigh..

Well it is already September, this is the month that we had originally talked about starting to try to get pregnant. But after the beginning of the year we decided to start trying early, in case things didn't go as planned, which they haven't. In my head though I was hoping to get pregnant right away, that way I would be done with school by July and then could just work full time at the preschool until I had the baby, then take some time off before finding a "real" job. Well that didn't work out. But in a way I am thankful, now we will have some time to save up a little bit, assuming we won't have to have further testing or fertility help. I did about 6 weeks of OPK's with no signs of ovulation so I don't know if that is going to happen. I was tired of peeing on a stick every morning and having it be negative, plus spending $20 a week on them, so I have decided to stop using them until either something happens or until November when we will start going in for some tests. I still have my fingers crossed that we won't have to do that. Our families think that we are crazy for even considering going in for testing. It is kind of frustrating. They have the attitude that we are young and should just let it happen, and I get that we ARE young but all I can think about everytime I get my reminder that once again I'm not pregnant is the doctor saying "90% of couples get pregnant within the first 3 months of trying." It seems like every couple of weeks we hear of another couple we just found out they were pregnant or just had a baby and it kind of hurts, don't get me wrong I am happy for them but there is still a sting of jealousy, a "why not us?" moment.


Anyways...we have a busy weekend ahead. Starting off with a date night tonight to Cabela's, Fresh Market, and Logan's. Then tomorrow we are heading to Marshall for Jason's cousin's birthday party and Sunday his family reunion.


Have a good weekend!

Trying times

These last few months, we have been faced with some "trying times." I am going to use this space as a journal, so what I write will be personal, will be what I am feeling, and what is my reality. I know probably 2 people may read this, and I am okay with that, I just needed an outlet and maybe those two people that may come across this may offer some prayers. Very few people know this, but Jason and I have been trying to get pregnant since the middle of January. We were still just into being married 6 months, I was still in school full time and working crazy hours. I was on the pill for about seven years so I didn't think it would happen right away, and we weren't expecting it to. We weren't timing anything but we weren't "not" trying. So months went by and it was still a little disappointing because nothing was "happening," every 4 weeks I would get my little reminder that I wasn't expecting yet, but each month it got a little bit more alarming, like something just wasn't right. So 7 months of trying and still nothing, I go in for my yearly doctor appointment. My doctor seems alarmed that nothing has happened, says birth control shouldn't cause this kind of problem and recommends we do some further testing. His nurse suggests I do ovulation predictor kits to see if I am ovulating earlier or later than what is "normal," they recommened Jason go in for testing and that I go in for an x-ray testing to see if my tubes are blocked. Only problem is, these are not covered by insurance. These two tests would be about $1,000. Well, considering I just got a full time job and we live off of Jason's income, I don't feel comfortable spending that extra money RIGHT now. If we still aren't pregnant by the beginning of November we will go in for further testing. I know we are still young, we could still be considered newlyweds, I just got a full time job and it may be better to just wait for kids, I know these things, but I long for a baby. From the time I was probably 5 years old, I could not wait to become a mom, to carry a baby for 9 months, to create something so special with my husband. Each month it breaks my heart a little more to think that something just isn't right and I may not be able to do these things I have wanted my whole life. It breaks my heart for Jason that I may not be able to give him a child, something that every woman is supposed to be able to do. In my line of work I see people who are so unfit to be parents, heck you can see that with a trip to Wal-Mart, and it just hurts. I work with people who are drug addicts, alcoholics, criminals, neglect their children, abuse their children, who are just BAD people and I can't help but wonder "why us?" We have so much to offer a child, we would be wonderful parents and give our child every thing that we could, we have so much love to give. How can "these" people get pregnant so easily?? It just seems so unfair. So that's where we are, just waiting each month and praying, hoping, BEGGING for something to happen naturally.

Busy, busy!

Ok, I lied...well not really lied because I didn't promise I would update every week but I said I would try! But I have just been so busy, I have hardly been able to sit down.

School is starting to get busy, just keep reminding myself that this is my last real semester!! Now I am trying to decide whether or not to go to grad school, it is such a huge decision! Since I will have my undergrad degree in the same thing I would be going to grad school for I can do it through advanced standing, which means I can get it done in three semesters (summer-spring) and be done, which doesn't seem like a lot of time at all! But it will cost about $28,000!!!! And I won't be able to work at all during this time because I will be completing a series of internships. I do have six years to decide if I want to go back or not and still be able to be accepted in Advanced Standing though, and some agencies will actually pay a good portion of your way through grad school if you get hired on with just a bachelor's degree...So many decisions... this is something we will definitely be praying about!!

Other than school and internship, nothing has really been going on! The back patio finally got finished and we (as in Jason) still needs to start on the fence, of course now it has gotten colder so I have a feeling that will probably not be completed until spring! It will get done eventually though :)

I'm back!!

Ok so much has happened since the last time I blogged....
We bought a house

(this is before we moved in, so its a little dated)

We got married...

And now I am completing my final semester at the U of A, starting my internship and still spoiling Sophie Bear

I am making it a point to start blogging more often! I really hope to at least blog once a week, this is such an exciting time in our lives and is just flying by so I hope to be able to keep this as a journal of our lives before kids!